Epilogue of Gratitude

When someone is given the gift to play a role like Blanche Dubois, a great deal of praise tends to be bestowed on that actor for mastering such a challenging role. But now I know that a great deal of that praise belongs to a long list of people, some whom unknowingly contributed to this monumental milestone and dream of a role. I have no desire for awards or praise...the opportunity to play the role is reward enough. The gift of speaking those poetic words is something I will treasure for the rest of my life.

I've always loved theatre for its collaborative process, for watching the hands of so many come together to tell a story. I haven't ever really acknowleged until now how many hands also go into creating such a role.  Which is why I find it fitting that each night, as a cast, we would meet in the greenroom before every show, hands gathered together in the center of a circle to chant about "shit going down" yet "we're gonna rock this town!" bonding together as comrades to tell Blanche's story as a team.

Last night as we started our ritual chant, a wealth of emotion and gratitude flooded through my fingers and I couldn't help but think how every single hand in that circle (and then some) had a hand in helping me create Blanche.

And so...

To Chris and Melanie for seeing something in that almost botched audition and giving me a second chance to prove what I'm capable of by giving me a call back...and then believing in me enough to hand this epic role over to a complete stranger...Thank you.

To Carl and Brian and Anslee for agreeing to start this journey as friends in a coffee shop to get to know each other before this scary process even began....Thank you.

To my parents and parents-in-law who offered and took my 2 year old son off my hands for two weeks so that I could focus on learning lines and prep my syllabus for my new teaching job....Thanks a million.

To my husband who quickly realized not to make any demands or push any buttons these last 7 weeks and just let me process as I needed without any added distractions or chaos. For always watching our child so I can go off and play...Thank you. Thank you.

To my voice teacher, Patricia, for giving me the knowledge and skills of both a vocal warm-up that would sustain the vocal demands of speaking for 3 hours straight (despite horrible allergy season and vocal fatigue) and "proficiency of the southern dialect."...Namaste and Thank you.

To my mentor, Margaret, who gave me body awareness and the understanding of story telling with body language....Thank you.

To my acting teacher, Andrei, who taught me to always use the energy and emotions I am feeling at any giving moment to fuel my work on stage to bring truth and depth to every character....Thank you.

To my dear director, Christopher, for the detailed guidance, passion and persistence with me. For not allowing me to settle with an adequate performance but to strive for truth and honesty...Thank you.

To my assistant director, Conner, for the gentle hand and depth of knowledge in both staging difficult fight choreography and sculpting an added layer of understanding at the end of each day...Thank you.

To my Stanley, Carl, for the hugs, the commitment, the eyes to scare, for making the scenes feel new every night and for the pre-show ritual...Thank you.

photo by Emily Schwartz

To my Stella, Anslee, for the votes of confidence, the lesson on how to tease my hair, the body mic lesson, the honesty, the sisterhood, the songs, for the "damn good scene", for pulling me up when I was down and for the constant reminders that this show "IS and always will be about Blanche"...Thank you.

photo by Emily Schwartz

To my Mitch, Brian, for the carpool, the teacher talks, for the helping hand off stage when things got dark, for the consistency saved in new discoveries, for being easy to adore and heartbreaking to lose...Thank you.

To Ryan for the needed humor and our matching cars' show-mance. To Jason for always reminding me that people can love Blanche despite her woes. To Adam for the laughs. To Mark for nailing your 2 min scene every time. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

To Ashley, my backstage angel, for saving me the trouble of hanging up my quick changes and for filling the stage with soul and the dressing room with warmth and love. To Katherine for being incredibly creepy and for the help backstage. To Kristin for always letting me borrow your blush brush and for "letting me in"...Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

To Lindsay for the gorgeous costumes that made me feel more like Blanche than I ever could imagine, and for teaching me how to victory roll.  Thank you

To Michael for the beautiful and yet tragic looking set, the detailed props, for fixing the door and always showing "kindness". To Dante and Michael for creating the mood and atmosphere with your lights and sound. Thank you.

To Anthony and Natalie for the support backstage despite my frantic freak outs for any missing pieces, for remaining calm and keeping the show going...Thank you.

To my sister Erika for running lines with me and helping me master lines for the hardest monologue in the play. Thank you.

To God for somehow answering my prayers to help me stay truthful, for saving my voice, for no panic attacks onstage,  and for helping me find new meaning in every performance. I don't usually pray before every performance but for some reason with this show it seemed necessary. Thank you.

And lastly to my friends, family and students who supported me by making the journey out to Cicero to support my work. Thank you Pat, Bob, Carol, Lindsay, Julie, John, Steve, Kathy, Megan, Tim, Lisa, Anders, Kerry, Zach, Josh, Mark, Brea, Bergen, Chad, Anthony, Beau, Erika, Mom, Dad, Grandma, Heather, Elizabeth and Drew (I'm sure I forgot someone...) Thank you.

Thank you all. Yes, I memorized a lot of lines and I preserved a lot of energy to make it through each night. But I couldn't have done it with out you and to not acknowledge that feels like a crime.

So thank you...thank you for taking part in this journey and for helping me play this incredible role in this beautiful production that I will forever hold close to my heart.

"I know I fib a good deal, after all a woman's charm is fifty percent illusion, but when a thing is important I tell the truth, and this is the truth"

Production Photos

All Photos by Emily Schwartz. 

"A Streetcar Named Desire" 

Jedlicka Performing Arts Center

Sept 13-28th

"I've got to keep a hold of myself"

"You going to shack up here?"- Stanley

"The boy...the boy died."

"I think it's wonderfully fitting that Belle Reve should finally be this bunch of old papers in your big capable hands"

"Well one night the plaster cracked!" -Stella

"Look. We've made enchantment!"

"I want to kiss you. Just once. Softly and sweetly on your mouth."

"I'm looking for pleiades, the seven sisters but these girls are not out tonight. Oh yes they are, there they are. God bless them all in a bunch coming home from their little bridge party!"

"Mother is sick"- Mitch

"a Ticket! Back to Laurel. Tuesday." -Stanley

"Oh I knew you weren't 16 any more..." -Mitch

"Then marry me Mitch!"

"I say Ha! Ha! Ha!"- Stanley

"I just washed my hair. I'm not sure I got the soap out."

"Now Blanche!"- strange lady

Happy Birthday Blanche

"My Birthday's next month. The fifteenth of September. That's under Virgo." -Blanche Dubois

Today's performance was a special one as it happened to be Blanche's actual birthday. The cast surprised me in the green room by singing Blanche happy birthday with a birthday cake lighted with 25 candles.

Stanley: How many candles are you going to put in that cake?

Stella: I'll stop at twenty-five. 

How cute was that? How often do you get to celebrate your characters birthday in the theatre? This was a first for me!

Today's matinee seemed virtually flawless with a slightly more tragic ending as my shoe went flying out into the audience in the final scene...so Blanche exited as gracefully as she could limping with only one heel on.

After the show I was paid probably the greatest compliment of my career. A middle aged woman approached me as I was leaving and she grabbed my hand and said "I wanted to tell you that I have seen 5 productions of this show, including one on Broadway and one at the Steppenwolf, I come from a family of theatre makers and I know good theatre when I see it. You were by far the best Blanche I have ever seen. Your performance was so full of life and truth...I just had to stay after to tell you that." 

Wow. I thanked her and told her I would treasure that compliment for the rest of my life.  Happy Birthday Blanche.

Feature Article

Here's a feature article about our production of 'Streetcar'

http://lagrange.suntimes.com/things-to-do/arts/streetcar-DDO-09122013:article

Welcome to New Orleans

I stopped writing about my journey into becoming Blanche because I got scared. As rehearsals began I found my knees knocking in fear that someone would call me out as a fraud, a wanna-be actor unworthy of this highly desired role. And I even found myself wondering if I could actually do this. How does one memorize 400 monologues anyway? That may be an exaggeration but it certainly felt like the weighty truth as I read and re-read and read the play over and over just hoping somehow these lines would stick to my brain like wig glue, maybe I could just paste these lines into my brain by reading the play one more time.  But that wasn't even the half of it...no the lines were just one ingredient in this multi-layered cake of a role that can only be shaped and decorated around the players Blanche encounters. Bit by bit the lines started to come and the relationships began to shape and my ideas around each line seemed to take new meaning.  Little by little lines melted into actions, plans and deliberate scheming as Blanche tries to save herself from drowning.

And somewhere between late night ice cream, classroom lesson plans and grandma's 90th birthday I finally found her.  Blanche was there all along hiding in that insecure actress who showed up at the first rehearsal scared out of her mind. She was there as I stood before my first class and taught my first lesson alone, with confidence shining on the outside and wet smelly armpits sweating through the fear.
I found her at the last possible second, of course, as I looked into the eyes of Stanley then Stella and back again just one week before opening night.  I found her with help from kind and detail oriented directors who also gave me freedom to follow my instincts. I found her in loving cast mates who come running to my rescue when scenery doors get stuck. There she is, there she's been, little bits and pieces in every part of every day.

One of my cast mates told me that her director back home told her to remember that "it is an honor to speak the words Tennessee Williams wrote" and I am incredibly honored to have this opportunity to live with Blanche for a few more weeks. It has been the most challenging role of my life. But how blessed am I to have been given this challenge? Blessed.

Blanche arrives in New Orleans hoping for one last chance. And tonight I arrived to our final dress hoping for one more shot at getting Blanche right before opening night...sure there were flubbed lines and dropped props (with a character who speaks 90 miles per minute its hard not to flub a few) but I left the theatre tonight with a smile on my face knowing I get to be Blanche eight more times.

I've only been to New Orleans twice but I can still taste the buttery sweetness in my mouth when I bit into my first Pecan Praline at a sweetshop just West of the French Quarter, it was like nothing I'd ever tasted before hard to bite into but so satisfying.  Tonight's final dress had that same feeling...hard work, lots to chew on but oh so gratifying in the end. As I drove home I thought to swing by McDonald's for one more late night ice cream before opening night. I laughed out loud when I looked on the newly arranged dessert menu and found a new offering for their McFlurry's: Pecan Praline. Serendipitous? Perhaps...or maybe just a welcome to New Orleans. Blanche's streetcar just rounded the corner...she's here.

Wien, Wien, Nur Du Allein

The song Blanche waltzes to in scene 3.

The translation is as follows:

My heart and my mind
 is so full of Vienna
 for Vienna as it weeps, as it laughs
 that's where I know my way, that's where I'm at home
 at day and at night
 and no one is untouched
 be he young, be he old
 who knows Vienna as it really is.
 Would I have to leave
 this beautiful place 
 my yearning would never end.

Refrain:

 Then I would hear an imaginary, faraway song,
 that sounds and sings, that entices and draws me.
 Vienna, Vienna you alone
 will always be the city of my dreams,
 there, where the cute old houses are,
 there, where the lovely girls walk.
 Vienna, Vienna you alone
 will always be the city of my dreams
 there, where I am happy and delirious
 is Vienna, is Vienna, my Vienna.


 Where there is fun,
 you know 
 I'll be there
 I stay in good form 
 until late in the night
 It's all the same to me then
 and if I sit with a girl 
 drinking wine
 and an arm holds me tight,
 if discretely and quietly,
 praising our home country 
 a waltz by Strauss resounds: 

(Refrain)

 Whether I  want it or not - 
 I only hope it comes late -,
 once I will have to leave this world.
 I will have part
 from love and wine,
 as, whatever you gain, you loose.
 But, it will be quite o. k.
 I won't have to go far, 
 I will fly right into heaven.
 Where I will sit, 
 and watch Vienna from above, 
 and see the St. Stephan' s church greeting me.

(Refrain)

One could argue that these lyrics could be meaningful to Blanche if Vienna were replaced with Belle Reve or Laurel...at least the way she remembers it from her youth...not the way she left it.

Blanche's Varsouviana

The song that haunts Blanche into madness.

uncertainties and dubious references...

With my last read of Streetcar I took note of some things that I didn't understand so that I could look them up.  Here's what I learned:

1. Scene One: Blanche makes a Poe reference in talking about her sister's apartment "Out there I suppose is the ghoul haunted woodland of Weir!"  I couldn't remember this reference from the Poe poetry I'd read so I had to dig for it...but found the reference in the poem Ulalume. So clearly this isn't a kind reference.       
2. Scene Two: Blanche sprays herself with and atomizer... which is exactly what I thought it was (an old fashioned perfume bottle)..but had to check to make sure (we don't see these much anymore).  
3. Scene Three: Blanche says: "Poker is fascinating. Could I kibitz?"  Kibitz apparently means to look on and offer unwanted advice! Haha...this made me laugh!
4. Scene Three: Mitch asks Blanche if she is French and she replies: "We are French by extraction. Our first American ancestors were French Huguenots." I guess this is just a different word for Protestant...so she's a Protestant I guess we have that in common (though I'm not French!)
5. Scene Four: Blanche has Stella look through her purse to find "Sixty-five measly cents in coin of the realm" I'm guessing this must be a money note? From Webster: 1 : the legal money of a country 2: something valued or used as if it were money in a particular sphere <information is the coin of the realm in the capital — Eloise Salholz et al.>
6. Scene Four: Blanche says: 'Money just goes--it goes places. Sometime today I've got to get hold of a bromo!" From Webster: 

   bro·mo

    noun \ˈbrō-(ˌ)mō\: a dose of a proprietary effervescent headache remedy and antacid
7. Scene Four: Blanche says: "Look who's coming! My Rosenkavalier! Bow to me first... now present them! Ahhh - Merciiii!"" This is a reference to a comedic opera written by German playwright Richard Strauss
   
   ...essentially Rosenkavalier is a young lover who presents the silver rose to another man's fiancé. 
8. ALL OF THE FRENCH SPEAK: Scene 6: Blanche says:
1. "I want to create joie de vivre!"- translates to: carefree enjoyment of life  
2. "Je suis la Dame aux Camellias Vous etes-- Armand"-- A line adapted from Alexandre Dumas’ (1824-1895) play “La Dame aux Camélias” The English translation of this French line means “ I am the lady of Camellias! You are Armand”.
3. “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? Vous ne comprenez pas? Ah, quelle dommage! – I mean it’s a damned good thing.”--translates to: do you want to sleep with me tonight? you do not understand? Aw, what a shame! It's a damned good thing.
9. Scene Ten: Blanche says: "How about taking a swim, a moonlight swim at the old rock-quarry?" A rock quarry is an open-pit mine. These excavation areas are often used to gather useful materials that are not deep underground, such as limestone, gravel, marble, slate, and all manners of construction materials. Rock quarries were open, isolated areas during the night. They were also sometimes not so far away from cities, thus they are excellent private recreational areas. The excavation sometimes creates pools collected from rain, which could be swam in.
   
    Blanche is talking to "a group of spectral admirers". She is suggesting that they visit the old rock quarry for a bit of swimming, if "anyone's sober enough to drive a car", implying that the invisible group of admirers are drunk, perhaps from an imaginary party
10. Scene Ten: Blanche says: "Shall we bury the hatchet and make it a loving cup?" --A loving cup is generally a cup that is shared between friends at events such as large dinners etc.
11. Scene Ten: Blanche says: "I think of myself as a very, very rich woman! But I have been foolish-casting my pearls before swine!"  refers to "Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces." (Matthew 7:6). Of course, these words of Jesus are allegorical. I doubt that any were literally casting pearls before swine. The meaning is pretty simple to figure out; "Do not persist in offering what is sacred or of value to those who have no appreciation for it, because your gift will not only become contaminated and be despised, your generous efforts could also be rebuffed and perhaps even openly attacked." 
12. Scene Eleven: Blanche says "That cool yellow silk--the boucle." 
    
    A type of yarn that consists of patterns of loops. (Boucle)
    Whereas a working-class individual would have identified the article of clothing as a sweater, Blanche identifies is by its yarn.
    
    
    13. Scene Eleven: Blanche says "It's Della Robbia blue" Luca Della Robbia is a Florentine sculptor famous for his glazed terracottas. The blue he uses is light with a mixture of gray. (Della Robbia colours) I knew I recognized the reference...I studied Della Robbia and several of his terracottas when I lived in Florence.
    

    
    Once again, Blanche's upper-class upbringing is shown here as she identifies a color after a famous Italian sculptor. Her knowledge of the fine arts contrasts with the ignorance shown by Stanley.
    
    

Whew! I learned a lot!!!

It's Only a Paper Moon

The second song sung by Blanche in the Bath Tub...

Learning to use a handkerchief

There's much talk of handkerchief use by Blanche throughout Streetcar....
Having never grown up in an age when anyone ever used a hankie I've done a little bit of research about the many ways women would use a handkerchief.
I found this nice blog post about handkerchiefs which begins with a myth about the origin of handkerchiefs as printed in a 1940s women's magazine! I like to imagine Blanche thought romantically about her handkerchiefs in the same way.
Blanche mostly uses her handkerchief to apply perfume...but I would like to play around with her using one throughout the play to help emphasize her femininity, proper upbringing and to dab her temples when she's trying to remain calm.
I think I'll be purchasing a rehearsal handkerchief either at good will or on etsy. I like these with the initial "B" for Blanche on them:

The Land of the Sky Blue Water

Learning the first song Blanche sings in the bath tub...

Landing the Role...

When I saw the posting on Theatre in Chicago's audition website for A Streetcar Named Desire I nearly fell over with excitement.  It was only the second listing I'd ever seen for an open call of a Williams play in my 10 year career as a professional actress (the first posting was for The Glass Menagerie at Red Twist theatre which I submitted for but never got an audition).
As life goes in the Chicago theatre scene, submitting your headshot and resume does not always mean you'll get called in to audition so I tried to keep my excitement at bay and immediately submitted my material with my fingers crossed.
About a week after submitting I received an email that I had an audition slot for July 17th at 7:30pm!! Never mind that it was on my 9th wedding anniversary...it was a chance to audition for one of my favorite plays of all time! The email requested that we prepare 2 contrasting monologues from mid-century modern plays. I already had a monologue worked up from Arthur Miller's A View From a Bridge I just needed to find a second monologue so I decided to look for an obscure Williams' play preferably something comedic. I landed upon a book of shorts by Williams and found a perfect pieced together monologue in The Lady of Larkspur Lotion. I diligently re-read "Streetcar" and memorized this piece while driving back to Chicago from Virginia with my parents, son and two nephews in tow...it was not an easy task. By the time I had my 2nd piece memorized, I had no time to show it to anyone before the actual audition (an audition faux-pas, I failed to heed the advice I give to my acting students..."never try out a new monologue in the audition room, show it to someone, anyone first") but when the only human you see before your 7:30 audition is your two year old son...what choice did I have? It was solid, I was sure of that...I was going to be okay.
And then there was the problem of what to wear. I knew I wanted to give a glimpse of the time period, a nod to what I'd look like if they were to cast me in this play. I tried on 5 dresses...all seemed too short, or too modern, nothing seemed to be quite right...until my fingers landed on the beautiful green and white vintage dress I bought in Budapest...the perfect length...a great color, I zipped myself up and saw the southern belle in me I'd been looking for....it was PERFECT!!! And then I took a breath...and the zipper gave in from the middle...NOooo!!! But I was not going to let a broken zipper keep me from wearing this perfect dress so I grabbed a needle and thread and spent 45 minutes cricking my neck sideways, sewing myself into this dress!

I gave myself an hour and a half to get to the audition (it was all the way across town and I was leaving during the end of rush hour)...it was just enough time. I had enough time to sit in my car and run through my monologues a few times before heading in. When I signed in I was surprised to learn that I was next to audition (even though my slot wasn't for another 15 minutes) I asked if I could have a few minutes to use the restroom first which they graciously allowed me. My heart was racing, I splashed my face with water and used some breathing techniques to calm myself down...I was going to be fine. I walked in the room and introduced myself to Melanie and Chris and began with my Miller piece first...it went okay...I sat down and began my Williams piece perfectly with my Deep South dialect when I noticed Melanie give a glance to Chris...in that split second all of the words left my brain...I froze and tried not to panic but I could not find a single word to save myself. "I'm so sorry...just give me a second." and I tried to start over but could get no farther...I was stuck...an actor's nightmare..."I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry it's a new monologue and I haven't had a chance to do it for anyone...I think I'm just so nervous because it's Streetcar and I've never had the chance to audition for Streetcar before...I'm so sorry."
"That's okay, that's okay...you know what? From your first piece I already knew that I wanted to give you the sides for Blanche so don't even worry about it...we'll be starting the callback at 9."
He handed me the sides and I left the room in shock.
Blanche? He wants me to read for Blanche? HFS!
Oh. My. God....okay Kirstin...he's giving you a second chance...don't mess this up.
For the next hour and a half I studied those sides like it was my last and most important job on earth. And it paid off...no broken zipper, or botched audition could stand in my way from landing the role I never thought I'd have...by 2pm the next day she was mine.

The dress...only worn once at a friends wedding in Alaska.

Lessons learned:
1) Dressing the part for an audition is a good idea...even if it means you have to sew yourself in!
2) ALWAYS try a new monologue for someone else before you audition...even if he's only 2 yrs old
3) Make the most of a 2nd chance audition or callback.

Goodbye Chorus Girl...Hello Leading Lady

I always thought I was destined to be just a chorus girl or a character actress, filling in the small but crucial roles of plays and musicals was my destined career. I've never sought fame or fortune, only the opportunity to be a part of the art form that has continuously changed my views on life and challenged me to be a better person.

Perhaps I underestimated my worth as an actor. 

Perhaps I never understood that with time, passion and determination, even I had the potential of being cast in one of the most challenging and sought after roles of all time.

I have always admired Tennessee Williams. His plays are electric and full of truths, filled with rich characters who are all flawed and completely relatable. 

I have longed for the chance to portray one of Tennessee Williams characters...and I always thought if I were to play any of his characters it would most certainly be Laura in The Glass Menagerie. Laura is fragile, naive and lost, many see her as child-like even though she's nearly 30 years old. Maybe that's why I have always felt a connection to Laura. For the last 31 years I've been seen by most as child-like...and its the way I've always been cast, or at least until recently. Perhaps I've been cast this way because I'm small in stature, standing at a mere 5'1" tall, with my fair skin and doughy dimples, I can't really blame anyone for seeing the child in me...I see her too when I look in the mirror.

So you can understand my surprise when I finally got my first opportunity to audition for a Tennessee William's play and the role I got called back for was NOT the younger, milder role of Stella but of the vampy older sister vixen of Belle Reve, Blanche Dubois. How can this be? 

I wasn't sure but I was honored. 

I hadn't even thought about Blanche...assumed she'd never be mine to think about...I never thought she was on my "type" list...never thought I'd ever come close to playing this role of a lifetime. 

How could I, this dimple donned actress who has been playing children for the last 20 years, possibly be considered for this lead of all leading lady roles? 

I'm not sure exactly what they saw, but I'm ever so glad they saw it and beyond thrilled to have this opportunity to explore the role...I have less than 3 weeks before rehearsals begin....this blog is dedicated to my process in becoming Blanche DuBois in Tennessee William's Pulitzer Prize winning play A Streetcar Named Desire.